lighter-s

I felt beautiful when I looked in the mirror just after finishing my makeup. I felt elegant and skinny and confident and I had forgotten what all those things felt like. I thought that I would feel cared for as much as I used to but the mixture of my painful hangover and your lack of eye contact made for my realization that not only can I not beautiful for you anymore but I can’t even be beautiful for myself. Everyone treats me like a fucking dumbass and no one fails to remind me that they’re so much better than me. I want more than anything to erase you from my memory, just like clementine did. Even now when you say my name it just glides off your tongue like it’s the first time you’ve ever met me. It makes me feel as shiny as I did two years ago but I know you feel nothing more than superior to me. I just want you gone. You’re an itch that won’t stop itching. An ache that won’t stop aching. And I’m sitting on the sidelines with nothing else to do but watch. I don’t know how to be friends with anyone or let anyone in because I simply don’t have any room left. I’m filled to my brim with selfish anger and unmatched love. No one will ever be able to love me enough for me to love myself. I had to delete my Facebook because the pictures from homecoming make me want to never look in the mirror again because of how ugly I look. I never want to speak again. I’m tired of feeling all of this. I’ve lost sight of everything that I am, and no one cares. I don’t blame anyone though, because everything in my life is my own fault. I feel disgusting. You don’t care about me at all anymore, and if you do at all then you’re very good at hiding it. But I get it, I don’t expect anyone to care about me if I can’t even love myself.